Wed 25 May 2005
“Jennifer Wilbanks, the Georgia woman who fled the state and faked her own kidnapping and sexual assault before her wedding, was indicted Wednesday by a grand jury, the Gwinnett County district attorney said,” reports CNN.com.
Now, it’s pretty obvious from this very journal that I think Wilbanks is a nutty nutjob with big batshit eyes that should have betrayed the fact from the get-go that she was not to be wedlock’d with. But I have to ask the question: is it really that obvious that a crime has actually been committed here?
Wilbanks faces one felony charge — let’s repeat that, a felony, with up to five years imprisonment behind it — for “making false statements,” presumably those indicating that she was kidnapped by two fictitious people when in fact she was just a nutty nutjob. However, she made those false statements to the authorities in New Mexico (and rather quickly recanted), and none of those authorities have decided to press any charges for it. So, exactly what the hell jurisdiction does Gwinnett “90% of our county revenue comes from speeding tickets on I-85″ County have over what happened in New Mexico?
She also faces a misdemeanor charge (1 year imprisonment) for “making a false report of a crime.” Now, if that false report is her saying she was kidnapped, again: that was in New Mexico. That report did not cause a sudden mobilization of forces in Georgia, those bumblenuts were already out looking for her body for days. If anything, her reappearance caused Gwinnet to stand down and quit hemorrhaging cash on a bogus investigation. The false report that initiated said fiasco was filed by her fiance, who was so convinced that there was no way his girlfriend was a nutty nutjob who might up and leave him, that clearly she must have been kidnapped! Dumbass!
If the folks out in Albuquerque don’t feel inclined to charge her with lying to them, then Gwinnett needs to sit the hell down and assess its waste of cash in terms of its success as an impromptu training exercise. No amount of Miller High Life could get me within 20 yards of Jennifer Wilbanks, but by God, this is still freaking America, and if you would rather take a bus to Vegas than marry some rumpledilsnick in Duluth, then hell, you go girl! Just don’t ask me to love you!
Seriously, people, what are we saying here? That for the rest of your life, you cannot do anything at all of your own volition unless you duly inform someone first? Spontaneity and wackiness is now a crime*? I know my dear mother gets a mite paranoid when she doesn’t get an email or phone call from me for several days in a row, but apart from breaking my mother’s heart, there should be nothing on this earth stopping me from just buying a plane ticket to Ireland this very afternoon and spending the next week drunk on Guinness if I thought it would turn my life around, and you all could just kiss my Blarney and leave a voicemail.
I am seriously bloody disturbed. I’m going to be watching this case very closely now, and I don’t doubt that I’ll end up standing in front of the courthouse with a big “Free the wackjob” poster. Look for me on 11Alive.
UPDATE - 2:15PM: The District Attorney who’s prosecuting this, Danny Porter, has a pretty stiff moral barometer. (I’m not going to say where he put it.) According to this Feb. 27 article, after two stupid teenage girls cause a fatal wreck while drag racing their BMWs, Porter got a grand jury to indict the father of one of the girls for allowing his daughter to drive an unsafe car, on account of the tires being worn. You know, so worn that you oughtn’t be drag racing at 90mph in a 55 zone. WTF, mate? I of all people would be more than happy to consider legislating against personal stupidity, like letting teenage girls drive any kind of BMW, but I really wish we’d start with more serious crimes like America’s Next Top Model, Hummers outside of combat, and Paris Hilton. Porter, a Republican, ran unopposed in 2004. Yo, Gwinnett Dems, wake up!
* Again, I’m not saying that she didn’t commit a crime by lying to the New Mexicans, but they seem to call it water under the bridge, no charges filed. Case closed.
