I’ve been trying to be better with setting realistic, bite-sized goals lately, and not going home until I knock at least a couple of them out each day. Right at the top of today’s list, after a few days’ postponement: print out application for the AAAS Science & Technology Policy Fellowship, so I can start writing my essay and collecting recommendations for the December 20th deadline.

Why don’t I start by reading the FAQ:

Q: I am completing my PhD after the application deadline but before the fellowship year starts. Can I still apply?
No. We will not accept applications from anyone who does not meet the degree requirements by 20 December. If that is your situation, we hope that you will consider applying next year.

Oh. Oh wow. Wow that’s uh, that really… I uh, man I would have thought that uh, I mean that’s….

Balls!

Pardon me. There really isn’t a more accurate word. There are more accurate phrases and run-on sentences, but I shan’t sully the blogosphere like that right now. For those of you who I haven’t talked to about this in person, this is the post-doc fellowship I want more than, say, ever seeing a naked woman ever again in my entire life, ever. When I first heard about it, I was still somewhat hopeful that I’d be able to make my originally-planned December graduation target, because the hydraulic pump that controls our biggest testing lab had not yet failed because our equipment sucks, and because my research sponsors who apparently have a hard time cutting out round circles were only on their second of six months of promising “We should be sending you [crappy-ass] specimens within a couple weeks.” When everything that could go wrong did go wrong, we still managed to come up with a Plan B that should have me dissertating and defending in the February-March timeframe, right about the time selections are made for the AAAS fellowship, and what with the fact that there are probably as many Spring PhD graduates as Winter, I was under the silly impression that I might still be able to apply for the program so long as I was clearly going to be a Dr. before I signed on the dotted line. I can understand that unforeseen delays can be much more severe in PhD programs than in undergrad, hence the AAAS’ desire to see your degree in hand before you even waste their time. Still, it does seem a little strict given the fact that the fellows don’t report to work until September 1st; what are December grads supposed to do for the intervening eight months, move in with their parents and play X-Box all day?

Calm. Breathe. Swallow down repeated mini-pukes. Drink water. Okay, there are plenty of other positions I want in Washington, and I can just apply to AAAS for the following year (because it’s more than just landing a policy job in DC, it’s about getting into the AAAS network for future career advancement). Oh-oh, but wait, what say they:

Q: Why are federal employees not eligible for the AAAS Fellowships?
The AAAS Fellowships are designed to educate about the policy process, and to bring additional science and external perspectives to government decision-making. Federal employees are often already involved in the policy process, and they would not bring external perspectives. Those not in policy-related positions have the opportunity to seek such positions from within the government system.

Right. So, screwed already for one year, I’d better think long and hard (can’t even chuckle about that) about accepting a federal position in the meantime, lest I close the door on the fellowship for good. Boy, that’ll be an easy decision.

Thank you, goofy fellowship deadline. Thank you, jet engine manufacturer who can’t cut mustard, let alone titanium. Thank you, fly-by-night laboratory of duct-tape, vice-grips, and brass shims. This is all working out so well in my end.

If you need me for the rest of the day, I’ll be at the Vortex Highlander.

Insult to injury: the Vortex is closed this afternoon due to city water cutoff.



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