shelbinator.com

Watching these debates is a lot more fun from backstage, but oh well. Since I’m hoping to produce some kind of piece about this for HuffPost tomorrow morning, maybe I’ll use a live-blog thread as a scratch pad for my thoughts.

8:02 - Introductions by Gov. Crist. Duncan Hunter looked like he was about to poop himself as he walked out. John McCain flashes a hip-with-the-youth hand sign. Fred Thompson is running for president??? He makes Rudy and McCain look like peewees. Tancredo has a smile on his face like he’s been popping Xanax after taking Botox. Time for a photo op — and man, Ron Paul just looks like someone’s ventriloquist dummy.

8:07 - Anderson rules out stuffed animals, kids as surrogates, pets, and animated characters. Thank God.

8:08 - HAHAHA Anderson says the people deserve direct answers! Like CNN is going to enforce that. Here comes the Republican debate song guy.

8:10 - Ernie in NY asks Rudy about NYC as sanctuary city. Are you going to continue to aid & abet aliens? Rudy says it wasn’t a sanctuary city at all, but spells out exceptions for kids, sick people, and reporting crimes. Stand up answer, and then he blames the federal policies that he’s going to fix (b/c he loves fed gov’t so much). Romney says nah-ah, it sure was a sanctuary city and Rudy sued to keep it so.

8:13 - Oh snap! Rudy says Mitt lived in a sanctuary mansion, since he had illegals working for him (via a contractor). Mitt hits back by suggesting that immigrants have “funny accents” and asks Rudy if, when you hear one in a worker at your house you should check their “papers.”

8:15 - Someone else on stage said “let us jump in here.” They have NO IDEA what waiting for a turn to speak is like — they should try being a second tier Democrat! Rudy drags it out, gets booed.

8:16 - Another angry question about amnesty by another angry white guy, like the last one (and from another New Yorker if I’m not mistaken). Fred Thompson gets to answer this one, and takes a couple shots at Mitt and Rudy in between a ton of “uuuuhhhhhs.” This guy is terrible unscripted, and he should NOT try to be funny.

8:20 - McCain gets to weigh in, says the gov’t never proposed amnesty in its immigration package, gets heckled by some loud-ass xenophobes. He runs on, AC360 CAN NOT CONTROL HIS STAGE. Honestly, CNN, you suck at running debates.

8:22 - Oh! Angry white guy #2 is in the audience wearing a funny hat. AWG2 says he kinda got an answer, so Tancredo gets to weigh in! He tries to pull a “Joe is right” move. Next question: Jack Brooks, Cambridge MD (another white guy, and a bunch of white guys he works with), about what he’s going to do about letting guest workers in to help small businesses. Tancredo: sod the immigrants, we’ve got enough, and there are no jobs Americans won’t take (at a fair wage), so if you want to pinch pennies by hiring illegals, too bad, hire an American.

8:24 - Hunter gets to speak again and says the fence he built in San Diego works, after saying “Cooper, it’s nice to get to talk.” Cooper, eh?

8:25 - Ashley in San Antonio asks ANOTHER IMMIGRATION QUESTION, standing in front of an etching of Ronald Reagan. Hey, at least it’s not another white guy. Huckabee has to correct her impression that immigrants get a better tuition rate to go to college than returning vets do in Arkansas. He says we just don’t need to punish children of illegal aliens for their parents’ infraction. AC360 tries to call time, but shows as much enthusiasm so doing as I can produce in a good fart.

8:29 - Romney compares Huckabee to a Massachusetts liberal and says tough crap, kids of immigrants, this is taxpayer money. God I hope someone takes that slick SOB down. Huckabee really does seem to be that “conservative but not mean about it,” and gets good applause from maybe half the audience.

8:30 - A white guy in Arlington, TX, with a dorky headset asks Ron Paul if he believes the same conspiracy crap about the Council on Foreign Relations that his online wingnuts rant about. Paul says it isn’t a conspiracy, this is just stuff out there to create a North American Union. Our national sovereignty is under threat.

8:33 - Pretty, white Sarah Lederach in Scottdale PA asks what they’re going to do about the national debt we’re going to inherit. McCain makes a funny about spending federal money to study the DNA of bears (”was it a paternity issue or a criminal investigation?”). John will veto pork with a pen Ronald Reagan gave him. Yay Reagan! Pffft. Mitt says McCain is right, but we’re not going to get any change in gov’t from “inside the beltway thinking.” Sorry, McCain. Rudy says we oughta do something Reagan did, since he forgot to mention Reagan earlier.

Emily Ekins in LA says the GOP used to be for small federal gov’t, but spending keeps going up. What are the top 3 federal programs you would decrease in size? Freddy starts talking wonkery, hems and haws, and I totally stopped paying attention. Here comes Ron Paul! He says Washington didn’t change him, so he’d cut the Dept of Education, Energy, Homeland Security, and save money on defense by changing foreign policy and bringing troops home. Huckabee puts the IRS on the top of his chopping block and the crowd has a massive, simultaneous orgasm.

8:41 - AC360 lied — Ronald Lanham in Mobile AL asks his question about the fair tax through an animated Uncle Sam and a creepy voice like the child molester on Family Guy. McCain says he’s not down with the fair tax for a while, then turns on Ron Paul next to him and says “that kind of isolationism caused WWII.” Ron Paulbots in the audience howl in agonizing indignation while most of the audience cheers on the POW. AC360 reminds the audience to quit interrupting. Paul says, then why do I get the most money from active duty officers? He gets booed for saying McCain doesn’t know what he’s talking about. This audience is nuts.

8:43 - Ugh, Grover Norquist (one of the most annoying white guys around) gets a question in. Do you promise to veto any effort to raise taxes? Tancredo puffs up his chest with a yes. All the others agree, but only Huckabee doesn’t get gloaty about it. Fred and McCain say they don’t like pledging to people.

8:46 - Ted Faturos, a nice white guy, in Manhattan Beach, CA, asks about farm subsidies while chewing on an ear of corn and possibly sitting on one, too. Corn?!?! Oh God, we can’t piss off Iowa! Romney gives a weird yes-but-maybe kind of answer. He and Rudy both blame foreign subsidies and caution against depending on foreign food like we do on energy.

8:47 - Oh hell! AC360 says, on a total tangent, since we’re talking about money, let me ask Rudy about this breaking story on politico.com about shady campaign finances. Rudy says he’s totally legit, there’s no meat there. And now we get to watch a super-cheesy Tancredo Youtube video. Tancredo is grinning like some kind of cartoon character.

8:50 - Leeann Anderson in the PGH, very lovely white woman, asks about poisonous Chinese toys while bouncing her adopted Chinese toddler on her knee. Tancredo would put the smackdown on China, b/c they’re furriners. Duncan says the problem is how much $ we owe China, and they’re also arming in a big way, so let’s buy American.

On the way to break, Fred’s YouTube video looks at previously contradictory statements from Romney and Huckabee. AC360 delays the commercial to ask Fred, “What’s up with that?” Fred’s hot not-a-trophy wife looks good clapping in the audience (I think). Romney says he was wrong about abortion, trying to get on the John Edwards “Wrong Mistake Guilty” bandwagon.

8:58 - Jay Fox, a white guy from CA with lots of guns, asks the candidates about gun control while threateningly racking his shotgun after firing some kind of automatic weapon. Duncan Hunter schools jay on gun safety for throwing a gun around before toeing the right to bear arms as “an important part of American security.”

Andrew Fink, a bald white guy from Louisville, asks Rudy about his statement that people ought to pass an exam to exercise their right to protect themselves with a gun. Rudy defends “reasonable regulations” and gets loudly booed by some nuts that thankfully went through a metal detector to get in there.

9:03 - Eric Berntson in PHX, a white guy in a baseball cap, asks the candidates to describe their gun collection and do any of them require some kind of stamp (I assume indicating it’s a regulated automatic thing), but we can’t see Eric’s hands. Where are your HANDS, Eric? He’s practically drooling. I’m thoroughly creeped out. Only McCain and Rudy don’t have guns at home.

9:05 - Printess Tate & son in Atlanta, BLACK PEOPLE, REAL LIVE BLACK PEOPLE, ask about black on black crime in the inner cities, saying sometimes it feels like “the Taliban is outside” (if I heard correctly). Romney says Printess is lucky for having a dad there for him (though I thought Printess was the dad?), b/c having two parents and family values is the most important thing. Mitt lauds what Bill Cosby said, to cover his ass for saying Printess is lucky to have a dad, I suppose, lest the WaPo read his statement like they sometimes like to read my boy Joe’s.

9:08 - Journey in TX asks what the charges and punishment should be for a woman and doctor involved in an abortion, if they’re pro-life. Ron Paul says we don’t need federal abortion police, but says as an OBGYN he’s never seen a “medically necessary” abortion. He doesn’t want to punish the woman, just the abortionist, and that’s up to the states, not the president. Fred Thompson uses this to riff on SCOTUS judges between coughs, and starts rambling again while doing his impression of Billy the Bigmouth Bass before agreeing essentially with Paul.

9:11 - AJ in Millsone NJ, a mostly white guy that might have some ethnicity in the mix there, asks if they’d sign a ban on abortion if Congress passed it in a post-Roe world. Rudy defers to the states, as does Mitt, but Mitt would be “delighted” to sign that bill if Congress got there.

9:13 - Tyler Overman from Memphis, TN, white guy, asks What Would Jesus Do re: the death penalty for the so-called Christian conservative candidates. Huckabee, as the only guy on stage (he says) who’s had to execute anyone, says there is a place for a death penalty, as the “only response that we as a civilized nation” have, not seeing the irony in that. He then differentiates between being pro-life and adjudication of death by one’s peers. AC360 repeats the WWJD question, Huckabee punts by saying JC was too smart to ever run for public office. Tom Tancredo said he’d pray to Jesus for wisdom to do the right thing.

Joseph Dearing, an extreeeemely white guy in Dallas TX, asks like a preacher, Dewwww yewwww buhleeeeeve this book, holding up the Bible. Huckabee asks Rudy if he needs help with his answer to many a guffaw. Rudy answers that he thinks some of the book is allegorical and requires interpretation, not believing every detail like Jonah in the whale’s belly, even though it’s the greatest book ever written. Mitt says he believes it’s the word of God without mentioning Missouri or golden tablets. Huckabee also sees allegory in things like “go and pluck out your eye,” not wanting to do such a thing, really (who is HE lusting after?).

9:23 - Yasmin, a scary, scary Muslim woman from Huntsville AL, asks what we’d do to repair US image in the Muslim world. Rudy says, first, stay on offense in the war on terror. Good answer! But then says this is b/c a few people are sullying a great religion. He once again complains the Dems never say “Islamic terrorism.” McCain says they’re going to fight the Dems’ trying to set a date for surrender. Duncan Hunter reminds the Muslim world the ways we’ve helped it after tsunamis and such.

9:27 - Andrew Jones, white boy in Seattle, WA, asks the rest of the crowd why they’d disagree with McCain when he says waterboarding is torture. Romney pulls the Mukasey defense - it’s not wise for me to speculate on particular tactics, but I oppose torture.

9:32 - Our own Buzz Brockway got his whiteboard (and white bread) question on! Two questions from the A-T-L, can I get a woot? He asks who will make a long term military commitment to the Iraqi people. Fred starts rambling about a stay-the-course kind of thing, since we’re succeeding in Iraq now. Ron Paul says give them their country back, and the crowd implodes on itself. McCain says the American public opinion forced us to lose Vietnam, not any defeat in battle, but the difference is the Vietnamese didn’t want to follow us home like al Qaeda does. Ron Paulbots boo the senator like the classless freaks they are.

9:37 - Sam Garcia, who probably has some immigrants in his lineage ZOMG, asks about Rudy using 9/11 too much.

9:39 - Nick Anderson, unknown race cartoonist, uses an animated version of Dick Cheney — once again showing Anderson lied to us — to ask how much power the Veep will have. Fred says “I thought that was me for a second.”

9:47 - Brig. General Keith Kerr is GAY and he’s IN THE ROOM! Everyone run for the doors! He wants to know why he’s not welcome to serve our country. Tancredo thanks him for his service and then says it’s not fair to conservative Judeo-Christian people to “force them to serve in small, tight units” with them queers.

Small. Tight. Units.

Huckabee also says it’s about “unit cohesion.” My unit is plenty cohesive without discriminating. Mitt says he thinks someday maybe it’d be okay for gays to serve, when the military says they’re ready for it, and he gets booed by a bunch of homophobic a-holes. OMFG and now people in the audience are booing the Brigadier General as he follows up on his question. Unreal.

9:52 - David Cercone, a possibly gay white guy, asks if they’d accept the support of Log Cabin Repubs. Huckabee self-deprecatingly says he needs all the support he can get, so sure, but he wouldn’t change position on gay marriage.

9:53 - Adam Florzak of Illinois takes a break from being Justin Timberlake’s stunt double to ask about the national debt. I got distracted and bla bla bla.

9:56 - Steven Nielson of Colorado, YAWG, asks about funding the space program, will they pledge to put us on Mars by 2020. Huckabee says Mars or not, we derive tons of benefits in our daily lives from the space program so it’s a good investment. Tancredo says we can’t afford everything without growing the debt, and going to Mars is one of those things.

9:58 - David McMillan, OMG another black guy who also appears with James Kotecki on some videos, asks the GOP why black Americans should bother voting for them. Rudy concedes they could do some things better to appeal to minorities. Huckabee says black people DID vote for him in his state, b/c he asked for their support and did things for their communities; he doesn’t want to be a part of a GOP that is tiny and minute.

10:00 - Leroy Brooks, sooooo white he’s flying the stars and bars (next to his weird mannequin head of the V for Vendetta guy, WTF), asks what that flag means to them. Romney gets visibly nervous, says he doesn’t want to talk about what that flag represents b/c it’s divisive and then attacks John Edwards for being divisive by talking about “two Americas.” Fred says you can fly whatever you want in your room but in public, we ought not do such things since it’s provocative for some people.

10:03 - Dr. Hank Campbell, an old white guy from Lake Worth, FL, asks who’s going to call for sacrifice, which we need to make to repair American infrastructure. Rudy says he helped rebuild NYC’s infrastructure, but it can’t be done by one president. Ron Paul says we’re being taxed to blow up bridges overseas while our own are falling down, so we just need to get the gov’t off our backs and out of our wallets (no explanation about who’s going to fix our falling bridges once we do that). McCain cites the magic veto pen. Rudy wants to reply to McCain’s “side shot” through the line-item veto (which Rudy challenged to bring fed money to NYC) and the audience gets pissed.

10:07 - Ron Strauss, YAWG from Davenport, IA, asks Ron Paul to be realistic about getting the nomination, and is he going to run as an independent. Ron Paul gets all kinds of crazy worked up about running as a Republican because he’s a Republican now but we have to save this country bla bla bla.

Chris Krul, YAWG from Bonita Springs, FL, asks Rudy the fluffernutter question about how he could’ve supported the Red Sox in the post-season. This must mean it’s the end of the debate, like diamonds versus pearls. Rudy says the Yankees used to win while he was mayor.

And I don’t care what some people say, Campbell Brown is still totally HOT, baby fat or no!

G’night.